25072023

In the religion that I was born in, it's a deadly sin to kill yourself. I deliberately use the adjective here to try to be cynical. I don't care if it ever is jolting to anyone since I am simply putting all these here not to fancy anyone. 

I was triggered to write something after I have watched Anthony Bourdain's memoir on Netflix. I have never thought that watching it would have left such an impactful feeling to me. Am I faking this emotion? Why do I always feel so relatable to films or stories that talk about manic episodes and suicide? I do not want to end up in hell, to be honest. I do feel that I am still sane to even consider putting an end to my own life, but why do I feel that if there's ever anyone feels suicidal or even had killed him or herself that no one actually understands this feeling? 

Get this: I don't wake up every morning planning to be so dramatic - thinking about ending my life so that other people would only realise my existence. But there are days that when I wake up in the morning, I feel, "Oh no, not again." Why can't I continue sleeping and living in the other world? I loath this waking up feeling that I have to be someone who I am not. 

Wait, is that movie supposed to trigger me questioning my decision to still be able to breathe right now? I can't pass any other reason why it was aired; definitely, not to show how heroic Tony was. He definitely failed as a father and a partner - according to my standard of successful ones. 

But despite all that, I think he was the coolest person I have ever known. Period. He would hate this cliché statement, but I am not writing this to do that for him. I am just letting out my inner wanting to discover how dark or even how crazy things could be with this issue of ending my own life. 

I wish to tell both my parents that I occasionally feel like doing that. I mean, to an extent that I feel there's no more joy of living in this world. They don't spark that joy for me to live a meaningful life - to serve them as a grateful daughter. Often times, I blame my husband for the probability that he started this off and on another day (or mostly seconds), I would blame myself. Can't I just be a normal person? 

Tony asked himself the same question - what is being normal? I too, want to live a normal life. But I find it tricky to do that. I do not think I am living a normal life. If you think I mean normal, then you do not know me. I can live a typical life as a mother of three, a teacher, and possibly a supportive wife, but I do not think I am normal. I am never one. 

One fact about myself, I don't want to live a normal life. I can't be normal. I always want to do the extraordinary - I want to be a successful career person, I want to be a loving mother and wife, I want to be a pride to my parents, I want to do more at work, more in class, more at home, and every thing is more. But there are days that I just feel, so empty. I don't see any point doing all that. I just want to curl inside of myself, and drown into the nothingness. 

What would happen if I just run away? Can't I just run away? Leave every thing behind. Leave my life, my career, my children, my husband, my family, every thing. What would happen? One question that is so intriguing, but I don't think I will ever find out. 

Why you say? 

To do that, then I would have to go. Pack up and leave. I would leave, especially my children to be extremely devastated. They are all that I care about as of this very second. Despite them existing in this world and creating the very initial of my misery, I do care for them. I care not if they are not going to love me, but I want myself to care that I don't simply dispose them. They deserve to know what this world has got to offer and to discover themselves. 

Now, I feel like deleting all of these. It is just so empty. I do not have anymore joy. Not even a tinge of pink and yellow. Every thing's left is just grey. Not even black. 

The thought of ending my life came in a swift again. I asked myself, how should I do it? Not hanging, not jumping, not bleeding or even drowning. I just want to sleep and go away quietly that way.